How to forgive and really mean it

You forgive. But when does the pain go away?

photo by Rodos

Saying that you forgive someone may seem difficult, but living like you really mean it can become the real challenge. When you have been deeply mistreated, simply saying "I forgive you," doesn't magically make the pain go away. Words of forgiveness are often spoken in the midst of an emotionally charged situation. At the time you utter them, you believe that you are letting go of your hurt and anger.

Unfortunately, human beings are incapable of forgiving and then permanently forgetting. It's just a matter of time before something triggers the memory of the past hurt. When this happens you may find yourself questioning the wisdom of your initial decision to forgive. How you settle your conflicted feelings will determine whether you really meant it when you said the words, "I forgive you." If you did, then here's how to forgive and really mean it.

Instructions

Step 1

Choose to forgive because its right.

Begin by telling yourself that choosing to forgive should not be an emotional decision, but a cognitive one; a choice you make because you believe that it is the right thing to do.

Step 2

Document your choice.

On the day that you say, "I forgive you," document and date your declaration. Include your reasons for deciding to forgive. Then put what you have written away for safe keeping.

Step 3

Think positively about the person.

Each time you see or think about the one you have forgiven, try to think of three positive things about him/her.

Step 4

Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes.

Now tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes; even you. Ask: If I were the one who had hurt another, wouldn't I hope that I would be forgiven?

Step 5

Acknowledge our feelings.

Acknowledge that old feelings of resentment and bitterness have surfaced. But remind yourself that your decision to forgive was not an emotional one. You made a good choice; a choice to heal and move on. You still want to heal and move on.

Step 6

Renew your choice to forgive.

Pull out that piece of paper and relive the moment when you chose to forgive. Renew your commitment to live out that forgiveness, not walk away from it.

Forgiving Others

Video on the subject of forgiveness that is introduced by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

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Things Needed

The desire to forgive.

The resolve to live out your forgiveness.

A notebook or piece of paper

A pen or pencil

Tips & Warnings

Do acknowledge that forgiveness should not be an emotional decision.

Do document your decision.

Don't forget that you make mistakes, too.

Don't give negative power to old, hurtful, memories.

Do acknowledge your feelings.

Do reread and renew your declaration to forgive.

Other how-tos by Dr. Bauers

The Gift of Forgiveness

A look at how unforgiveness frees you from the invisible chains of bitterness and resentment that can negatively impact all of your relationships. By forgiving others, you are able to become everything that you were mean't to be as a integral part of humanity.

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